Tag Archives: Musings

I AM WHO

  • i am a fish inside a plastic bag swimming within the ocean
  • that misaligned tile on the floor ocd people cannot stand
  • the odd one out
  • i don’t belong
  • i feel lost

i could think of some more metaphors for my situation but it gets more depressing. i hate that i am disagreeing (as of the moment) at the statement ‘the happiest people are not the ones who have everything, but are the ones who make the most of what they have.’ sometimes it’s true and i want to believe it so bad, sometimes it’s bullshit. what if your situation is sad, you really can’t be satisfied even if you tried. i feel misplaced – like i should be somewhere else. i’m so tired of all this shallowness, all this pretending.

the only good thing feeling this way is that at least you get to know what you’re not, what doesn’t float your boat, what’s not your cup of tea. it sucks too because you don’t know exactly what you really are and it leaves you searching for absolutely something abundantly uncertain.

don’t get me wrong. i like being alone, but it gets lonely and sometimes you just want to find someone spending time with, heck even being lonely with. even if i have friends, sometimes i just feel like they don’t really get me. i want a new friend because maybe that friend could be someone i could talk to about anything and i don’t get tired and i don’t criticize and the conversation is so spontaneous that the topics and side comments and jokes just keep coming and building that the only thing that would stop us is an errand to do or sleepiness or a bear wearing an apron that says ‘i will eat you’ – well, not even then – and awkwardness is no where to be found or if we did find it, we’ll just kick it in the ass and say ‘awk-what? hahaha fuck you man, i love you’ and i don’t have to think of  topics to carry on the conversation and have a laugh and jape around whilst we’re talking – serious or not and even if i get annoyed with that friend sometimes, the good stuff about that friend over shines the bad stuff by a million light years. lastly, above all else, even if that friend reads this, nothing changes.

“I crave intimacy but all I do is push people away and isolate myself” – Anonymous

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penny for my thoughts

  • yep, i am back
  • i have been feeling constrained lately— not sure for how long, but it feels like it has been going on for a really long time
  • i need some a lot of r&r
  • i am not having fun with what i am doing anymore—is it a sign? is this the right path? is it just a phase? will it just be a preview of what lies ahead?
  • i hope i make the right mistakes
  • i want to get myself into something that is worth getting tired of—dancing (?)
  • i’m sick of having a hard time proving—hell, even knowing what—my stands are
  • i  love em dashes (—). i don’t even know how to use them properly anymore—sometimes i use them instead of using periods.
  • there is this always this gaping hole inside of me ready to re-position itself whenever i think i have concealed it
  • i tend to get sentimental when i write
  • it’s hard to pretend to be happy
  • i want to be happy (the genuine kind)

on a lighter note, i just celebrated my 18th birthday yesterday. it was one hell of a party. definitely a part of my top ten favorite nights.