i feel really really happy right now – the good kind or like the hyped kind, i don’t really know it just feels good. so pumped like a wheel that’s ready to roll. i usually really am lonely – not when im around people but when im alone – especially when i write because duh, i write when im alone (or is it ‘im alone when i write?’) – who the hell would want to write within the presence of someone meticulously eyeing out your swagger moves. this is very rare for me to write about being happy. i really think i should do this more often. oh, and what’s being happy without a little cussing!!! fuck y’all!!!! wahoooooo!!!
So this is week 1 of approximately 52 weeks of year 2013:
1 Jan 2013, Tues – whilst waiting for the clock to tick 12 am so we can crack up some fireworks and eat media noche, I decided to watch youtube videos to kill time. I started with Jenna Marbles then Kingsley then Tyler Oakley then I saw his video “Twin Twinks Learn Gay Slang”. I would really click the video judging from the title because I LOVE twins then I saw the tumbnail that they looked cute then boom. That is where my youtube obsession started. Also, we went to lola’s house for lunch during the day.
2-7 Jan 2013 – from what I remember, I didn’t go out during the week and all I did was watch videos, sleep, eat, tv, watch more videos. I haven’t even watched all of their videos but it already took me days. I don’t think I’d be able to watch them all since I’ll be going back to school. I have watched most of them though, the interesting ones at least. So I think I’m good. I also shared my discovery to my brother. He is hooked, but not as hooked as I am. Damn, I wish my life was as interesting as the youtubers’.
– I also learnt that sea salt spray could possibly be the solution for my unruly hair. I have yet to try it.
I just want to put it out there that I have discovered them on the eve of Jan. 1, 2013 and to those who discovered them on Jan. 2 or later, I saw them first! Ha! They are too beautiful to be discovered. Stay on youtube please? Don’t be THAT famous, not just yet. The clique:
I love them. I want to descibe them one by one but I’m getting lazy and I might not be able to stop. They’re all from England (except Caspar, he’s from South Africa but he moved out to UK this year so) and they’ve become really good friends all because of youtube. I would like to believe that I am slowly adapting their accents lol. You know when people only show like a good part of themselves while filming? They’re not. I’m not being biased or anything but I think they all are genuinely good people. They’re not the only ones in the UK to be popular on youtube but they’re my favourites, and I think they’re the ones who really hang out regularly and make a lot of collaborations with each other. Like what real groups of friends do. Ughhhhhhh, I want to be friends with them so bad!!!!!! Oh, and they get paid making youtube videos. I have this crazy idea to start a channel too since not many Filipinos are popular on youtube. All I need is guts, creativity and a little bit of cheekiness. I don’t think I’d be able to reach that level though. But hey, who knows, by some stroke of improbable luck (blessing), I’d be able to collaborate with one of them, could be better with all of them AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
ps: id like to apologize for the crappy photos. they’re supposed to be gifs. idk what happened. they didn’t give justice to their pretty-ness
*man, I have to get used to writing
So it’s a new year, a new reason to be productive. I hope this year would be an active year for my blog. Clearly, no one reads monicatot so I will use it as a journal/diary to keep memories, ideas, ramblings and everything in between. I will try my very best to keep this updated by writing weekly – well, I won’t limit my writing to that schedule of course, I will write whenever I feel like it but I am expected to come up with an update which I will call “Week _ of 52” which basically consists of updates of happenings during my week for the lot of 2013.
My last year sucked and I do hope I find something interesting to do this year because I really felt such a crap last year. I didn’t enjoy anything. I was a complete bum. I don’t want to look back on 2013 say it was crap too because 1.) Nothing is more unfortunate than to have two crap years in a row 2.) I could have done something about it 3.) I (think) learned my lesson that it is my fault if I have a crappy year. Hopefully, by the time I write my opening post for the year next year, I would feel a tad bit more confident than this one.
I don’t want to expect anything this year. I would rather go with the flow so whatever comes my way (I hope it’s a good one), I will accept it. I’m challenging myself to be the best version of what I could be.
I will be cheesy and end my post with:
“Its never to late to be what you might have been” – George Elliot
i think i’m in that there-is-a-gaping-hole-inside-of-me-i-don’t-know-what-is-missing kind of phase.
i know i say it a lot (to myself) but sometimes it really bothers me because i see everyone else is happy and i want to be, it’s just that something is missing like a puzzle piece or one more tetris block to clear the screen. i barely write about happiness. usually it’s all about how to find it, or something like that. so this is why i write — i’m not a pussy, it just works for me — because somehow, it brings relief. but it’s not enough. i hate being so emo. side note: WHAT IS MY PASSION? maybe it has something to do with what is missing. after passion, i find my purpose. the last thing i want to rely on my happiness is a person. because even though i long for one, i think i am emotionally unstable to have one. i have to fix my self first. because when that person leaves, i still have my passion. so i hope i find it (my passion).
but hey, you know what the say: “It’s just a phase” — oh i hope so. i just want to be happy. completely happy.
PS: can i just say
fuck because i accidentally published just the picture only and not the blog post itself so i have to write this one all over again and rewriting rotten thoughts (i mean, it’s not fresh any more. get it?) just after writings making me feel the there-is-something-missing-and-i-know-what-is-but-i-cant-say-it-even-if-i-try kind of feeling. i forgot a lot of sentences and added little things that were irrelevant to my thought awhile ago. but hey. it happens (trying to soothe myself now). damn it, i thinks said more in the PS part than the main part. you see what i meant about the “fresh thoughts”? yup, writing as i think my friend, writing as i think.
PPS: what a crappy post. i just had to let it out.
it’s hard to be optimistic. it’s easy to pretend. that’s for sure. sometimes i’m so good at it, even i fool myself.
i should really sleep before these thoughts linger deeper into me. like any other night.
“Write your first draft with your heart. Re-write with your head.”
– FROM THE MOVIE FINDING FORRESTER
kind of assuming that you make an effort to tweet whenever i tweet and it was meant to get my attention
who the hell am i kidding
- yep, i am back
- i have been feeling constrained lately— not sure for how long, but it feels like it has been going on for a really long time
- i need
somea lot of r&r
- i am not having fun with what i am doing anymore—is it a sign? is this the right path? is it just a phase? will it just be a preview of what lies ahead?
- i hope i make the right mistakes
- i want to get myself into something that is worth getting tired of—
- i’m sick of having a hard time proving—hell, even knowing what—my stands are
- i love em dashes (—). i don’t even know how to use them properly anymore—sometimes i use them instead of using periods.
- there is this always this gaping hole inside of me ready to re-position itself whenever i think i have concealed it
- i tend to get sentimental when i write
- it’s hard to pretend to be happy
- i want to be happy (the genuine kind)
on a lighter note, i just celebrated my 18th birthday yesterday. it was one hell of a party. definitely a part of my top ten favorite nights.
This is the start of something new. I don’t know how it will turn out to be though, considering that i am lazy and all. So there, it’s going to be fun while it lasts.. hopefully.